There were none. He looked up at the anesthesiologist and asked, "How's she doing, Sam?" Better than I could have hoped. Her pressure's 84 and her O2 sat is 88. You guys caught her in the nick of time. I think this one might live."I felt a load slide off my shoulders and felt like crying, but we still had work to do."OK, Sam, I'm releasing the clamp on her aorta. Tell me what her pressure's doing!"I watched Marty release the clamp and then watched the aorta below it begin pulsing."Pressure?"Sam checked again. "It's OK. It dropped to 70 but it's coming back up again. I think she'll need at least six or eight units before we're done."Marty looked at me over his mask with a smile in his eyes. "I think she'll be OK, Ken. Why don't you break scrub and go take a deep breath."I nodded and said, "I definitely feel like doing that, but I've got an ER to see to. I shouldn't have even come up here." Oh, sure. Well, I just need to flush her chest with antibiotics and close her up. We'll come. I hate it!"I turned her hand and kissed her palm. Her fingers were trembling."How much do you hate it?" Mary asked."Not enough to tell him to take a hike. When... if he comes back to me, I'll move into his arms and hold him close. I love him, dammit. Sometimes I wish I didn't. And I'm holding back. He doesn't have all of me, and each time he leaves, when he returns, I give him less of me than he had before. He knows this. He knows I'm pulling away from him. I can see it in his eyes — the hurt, I mean. I'm hurting him, but I can't stop it. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but I must protect myself because..." The tears welling in her eyes overflowed and streaked her cheeks. "Because someday he won't come back. If that happens and I've given him all that I am, I won't survive the grief. I'm holding back to survive, and that feels so selfish of me." Surviving isn't being selfish, Grace," I said."Sure it is," Agnes said. "But there's nothing wrong with being selfish to.
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